Friday, November 13, 2009

It's a Birthday and I'll Cry if I Want To!

I don't get down or depressed too often, but today I am a little bit.   I really have no reason to.  I'll get over it quick.  My feelings have just been hurt by my girlfriends.  I thought they were my best friends.  I'm probably blowing it way out of proportion and I'm going to be the bigger person about this, but my feelings are still hurt and I'm feeling a little sorry for myself.  Here's what happened and maybe some of you can help me look at this in a different light. (I'm going to use initials for names)
My birthday is next week and my very good girlfriend's birthday is the week after.  There is a group of five of us  "girls" that have been friends  for about 20 years.  We all became good friends when our kids all started the same school together about the same time.  Our kids now range in age from 18 to 33.  Over the years we have tried to celebrate most major birthdays, you know 40, 50, and now Ch's. 60th is in two weeks.  Over the years we would sit at the pool with all of our kids in the summer.  We all took skiing lessons together years ago.  We all took golf lessons together.  We would get together every Friday after work for wine.  We still try to do that on Friday's once in a while, but not near as much.   Now everyone's life has shifted slightly in one way or another with children getting married and grandchildren and some of us no longer work outside the home and some of us have gone back to work after years of staying home.  But we have all remained very good friends and talk and get together as much as we can.
Yesterday I was getting a pedicure and my friend, the manicurist, who also does the nails of one of the friends I'm talking about (keep in mind, this is a very small town) asked when we were leaving for Pittsburgh (100 miles south of us).  I told her I didn't know what she was talking about.  Then she didn't know what to say but I made her spill the beans.  I could tell by the look on her face that she now knew she said something she shouldn't have.  So she told me.  C. was in getting her nails done and told D., my manicurist (I only get my toes done about four times a year) that "the girls" were going to Pittsburgh on Friday night (tonight) to spend the night to celebrate Ch.'s 60th birthday.  Well, everyone in town knows who that group of "girls" would be and it usually includes me.  I knew nothing about it.  I was shocked and came home and called P., one of the other "girls".  Now P. is in Pittsburgh already because she travels for her work.  She hesitated when I asked her about it and I told her I wasn't angry mad, my feelings were just very hurt and I didn't understand.  P. told me that it was just one of those things that evolved into something other than what it started out to be.  C. wanted to take Ch. to Pittsburgh to dinner and shopping as a birthday present.  Then she found out that P. was there working, so she called her and told her she should plan on staying an extra day to go with them.  Then it was found out that F. was taking her mother back home to Pittsburgh today, so they called her with the same invite.  That's how the four of them ended up getting together tonight in Pittsburgh, so P. says.  I believe her and it's very possible that's what happened, but I have talked to Ch. almost every day this week and she never mentioned a word to me.  I didn't even care not being asked because I don't really feel like going to Pittsburgh, but why didn't they even tell me?
As Dr. Joy Brown would say, be cheerful and stupid, and just act like it doesn't matter and it doesn't affect you at all.  And that is exactly how I'll act and talk to them next time I see them, but my feelings are still hurt.
I hate when women, especially mature women, get catty and I won't be like that, but I've cried to myself a few times today.  My Bob doesn't get this kind of thing and he's almost mad at me for being like this.
The only thing I did do, just because I had to do something, was send an e-mail to the four of them and said that I hoped they had a nice evening in Pittsburgh and I would talk to them next week.  I wasn't mean or nasty ---but I hope they feel bad.
Thanks to all of you good friends out there for listening to my sad story - Ha!Ha! , I know it's no big deal - but I had to talk about it.   One more reason to blog. (See yesterday's post)


DJan said...

It is a big deal, Nina. They excluded you, and it sure seems like it was on purpose, if you talked to one of them daily and she didn't mention it. The real question is why. Did they do it to make you feel bad? If so, why? Or did they do it because they have started an exclusive sorority? I myself would get to the bottom of it by talking to the one who I know is most sympathetic to me and find out what is really going on. Just my two cents.

Grandma J said...

Oh Nina, I can understand why you feel hurt. I would too. Now, with that being said, try and put yourself in P's shoes or even C's or the other gal. It started out as one thing and basically snowballed. By the time they realized what it had turned into (an actually hootenanny in Pitts.) it was probably short notice to tell you, and it would look like they had originally overlooked you anyway. I'm sure they thought you'd never find our and they would have a lesson learned!

These are good friends who love you and even though I'd be hurt and crying too, here is what I'd this is just me.....

1.First, send them all another email and tell them they had better all have any extra margarita or martini for you (or what ever tradition you gals have)

2.Then they have to have an honest to goodness pillow fight to beat each other mercifully to purge themselves of their onset of dementia (forgetfulness).

3. Then make sure you include a date and time for the gathering you are planning for Ch's actual birthday.

I guarantee this will ease the tension, guilt and hurt feelings.

Now go ask Bob for a big hug! :)

Lisa said...

I'm sorry, Nina. I don't have any wise words of consolation because it just plain sucks that they didn't include you. You have every right to be upset about it, and I sympathize with you completely. I'm very sorry your feelings have been hurt and wish I could give you a hug. You're in my thoughts. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. ... and I hope they feel REALLY guilty and sad and upset with themselves for leaving out their good friend who would never do such a thing to them!

Brynwood Needleworks said...

Sending you a hug, Nina. You're doing a great job of holding your chin up, but I know how much it must hurt you. I'm sorry that we, your blogging girlfriends, can't whisk you away for your own special celebration. You know we could all give you a grand time.
Please be sure to tell us when your exact birthday is so we can all wish you the best of days...not to be shared...JUST FOR YOU!
ps. Chocolate might help tonight ;-)

Lily Robinson said...

I would be hurt too. Yes, it probably came about just as they said, but to not mention it? I can be very sensitive though. So you tell them they must take you out to lunch to make it up to you, and then forget about it! A good friendship is too precious to let one incident mess things up.

Theresa said...

Oh my, I understand and feel bad that you feel bad. Hopefully your friendship won't suffer because of this and that it really was just a bunch of coincidences! Enjoy your weekend and while it might be hard, don't let it bother you. It is probably bothering them that they didn't include you! Theresa

Valerie said...

Nina, I hope typing it out gave you some release from the hurt. You're bound to feel hurt and I hope your friends realise it. It sounds as if you are fairly sensitive, like me. I'm going through a hurtful period right now and like you I shall ride it, but it doesn't stop the inner feelings. Sending hugs to cheer you.

Snooty Primadona said...

Welcome to my world.

This has happened to me countless times. I honestly think that they are are just being thoughtless, with no reflection on you necessarily. But, I always think "Am I that forgettable that I could be left out of the loop on so many occasions?" I mean, WTH?

Honestly Nina, it's so much the same with me that I know what you're talking about. It hurts my feelings and everyone (including hubby) thinks it's silly. But, hurt feelings are still hurt feelings and that's hard to get around.

I've always thought I need to be more callous, but alas, that is not my nature, as I suspect it isn't yours either. I suppose we just need to learn to pretend it's okay even if it's not. So I guess I'm not much help... just a kindred spirit.

Linda (Nina's Nest) said...

Nina, On the one hand, don't take it personally, because it sounds like something that just evolved and grew - rather than something planned to purposefully omit you. One the other hand, I surely would be feeling the same way! Once it included everyone in the group but you, it would have been nice if someone had put 2 and 2 together and thought - why not make it a big birthday bash. Anyway, a dear friend of mine (who lives in North Carolina and has a married daughter in Pittsburgh)thinks that Pittsburgh is "the Pits"! So watch and see what wonderful things come your way instead of that trip. Linda

Grandma Nina said...

Thank you to all my wonderful blog friends. You guys are the best!
G.J. You have some wonderful ideas and such an upbeat attitude. And I did get a hug from Bob this morning, finally.
Lisa, I hope they feel guilty, too.
Donna, I wish you could all wisk me away, too. And I'm going to make chocolate chip cookies today.

SquirrelQueen said...

I think it is a big deal too. It would have been so easy for one of them to say that they were all going to be in Pittsburgh at the same time and decided to celebrate Ch's birthday while there. You would have said you didn't feel like making the trip and that would have been the end of it.

Good for you on the email, a little guilt trip will be good for them. When they get back act as if nothing happened.

Twyla and Lindsey said...

Nina, I'd like to wish you a belated happy birthday. I'm sorry to hear of the hurt feelings. I would have felt the same way. It's not that they Meant to hurt your feelings, but their lack of sensitivity hurts anyway. If they were going to include a few, then they should have went ahead and included Everyone. I want you to know that I admire the way you handled it and you are so right about not being catty. You are too classy a lady to sink to that level. I hope you are having a good week! Twyla


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